Carbless Happiness

Donald E. Clark 1949-1996
He was a wonderful, kind, strict, funny, hardworking dad. He was also a great friend, great mechanic, kind neighbor, and a gentle giant. I am grateful to have had him as my Dad and I am amazed at how well he knew me. My Dad taught me how to change the oil, repair a transmission and how to work hard. But he also taught me the importance of reading the scriptures, being a good listener and being kind. I, of course, took all of that for granted. I have his journal which helps a bit. I only have a few pictures but I have lots of wonderful memories.

It will be 13 years on Jan 7th since his death and I have not stopped thinking about him. Everyday the pain is as raw as that first day without him. I believe that we are an eternal family, I will see him again. But until then I will long to hear his voice, to feel his reassuring hand upon my shoulder and to see his great smile. I know he would have loved my husband and my children. I hope he would have been proud of my life and the choices I have made. But above all I just wish I could have seen his face on my important days.

Monday, October 21st would have been my Dad's 59th birthday. I still love him so much.

During my email spelunking trip a few days back, I ran into a chat conversation I had with my brother in law at the start of the year. There is irony here, which I will explain. I hate to once again come to this, but this epiphany came to me in the midst of a Sunday school lesson as I chatted with my 16-18 year old students about life. The lesson that kicked off this epiphany dealt with gratitude, an appropriate lesson for the Thanksgiving season.

It started with the question, “why are we ungrateful?” It’s a basic question. Before moving on, answer this question, “why am I so ungrateful?” I know you are, even if you think you are not. We think plenty of wonderful things about ourselves that are not true and this happens to be one of them, which makes it a really difficult question to answer truthfully. So, here is my answer and some thoughts that came during the lesson we discussed last January.

I’m ungrateful. I know this because I want more, more than I have, more than I need, more than I deserve. When I ponder this truth I can see how its normality has led me by the nose into the murky depths of the well of selfishness. Yes, I’m greedy. It’s normal. Right? “Place the mask over your face before attempting to secure the mask to your child’s face.” “Every man for himself.” “Know the word before you preach the word.” “Remove the beam from your own eye…” Selfishness is key to survival and often a key to knowledge; this is self-evident. As Socrates said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” A self-first mentality can be the most important of beliefs. However, it is this same natural instinct of survival that becomes a societies built-in self-destruct mechanism. If this doesn’t make sense, just consider the recent economic debacles we have suffered through because of nonsensical risk and self-first policies. Selfishness was the progenitor of this mess. Alan Greenspan believed that the heads of banks would look after their investors more so than themselves. In essence, he believed that they would act on the behalf of the many and become self-regulating. How ideal and stupid at the same time.

Selfishness unchecked over-stimulates the risk side of the desired reward equation. Call it a midlife crisis. It doesn’t matter. Eventually, our unchecked selfishness leads to that moment where we naively ask, “how did I get here.” The answer – by choice.

So, what to do?

Hypothesis: I want more and in wanting more I rationalize my need for more by conveniently misremembering or failing to assign value to what I have.

There is a simple test. It’s Christmas time. Write me a list of everything you received last year and who it was that gave you each gift. Tell me how it made you feel and what you did with each gift and what you said to this person when you received it. That’s right. You can’t. Although, you will remember a few gifts…the ones that really meant something to you because you assigned it value.

I spend little time considering what I have and what I have been given, and who it was that provided these things, to enable my justification for acquiring more. “That shirt doesn’t fit very well, I should grab another one. We don’t have any food I like; I should grab something I will eat. I work hard so I deserve this new flat screen tv. She’s being mean to me, it’s okay if I cheat this once. I only want what my neighbor has, nothing more. If I get one more promotion, then I’ll be happy. An extra room where we can store all of the stuff we never use would be very useful. We haven’t spent that much money this year on vacation, we can afford a little bit more. That’s why we have welfare and soup kitchens; this bum on the side of the street doesn’t need my money. Nice guys finish last; I’m taking the last one.“

All together now: we consciously or subconsciously decide not to remember what we have or where we came from to justify our selfish desire to acquire more, which is all proof of our dire ungratefulness.

Does that make sense? It’s hard to fathom a world of grateful human beings. People that spend time considering each thing they earn or are given; people that acquire stuff out of need, instead of acquiring more debt in a vacuous quest to vanquish the infinite desire for more. You can’t cut selfishness out of your body. It is a part of your genetic code. Learn. You can understand your selfishness. You can decide to remember. You can spend time thanking and remembering, instead of searching and buying.

Remember. Write it down. Read your list each day. Thank those people, thank that God, or thank that world or those seemingly random events that brought you to this point. Make it a habit. I promise, the more you do this, the less you will feel like you need to have or acquire to be happy.

Being grateful is not about fulfilling some “become a better person” roadmap. Instead, being grateful is the key to satisfaction and happiness. Without it, no amount of money, prestige, awards, religiosity, or power will ever suffice.

Now if I could only get an iPhone, I'd be so happy...