Carbless Happiness

During my email spelunking trip a few days back, I ran into a chat conversation I had with my brother in law at the start of the year. There is irony here, which I will explain. I hate to once again come to this, but this epiphany came to me in the midst of a Sunday school lesson as I chatted with my 16-18 year old students about life. The lesson that kicked off this epiphany dealt with gratitude, an appropriate lesson for the Thanksgiving season.

It started with the question, “why are we ungrateful?” It’s a basic question. Before moving on, answer this question, “why am I so ungrateful?” I know you are, even if you think you are not. We think plenty of wonderful things about ourselves that are not true and this happens to be one of them, which makes it a really difficult question to answer truthfully. So, here is my answer and some thoughts that came during the lesson we discussed last January.

I’m ungrateful. I know this because I want more, more than I have, more than I need, more than I deserve. When I ponder this truth I can see how its normality has led me by the nose into the murky depths of the well of selfishness. Yes, I’m greedy. It’s normal. Right? “Place the mask over your face before attempting to secure the mask to your child’s face.” “Every man for himself.” “Know the word before you preach the word.” “Remove the beam from your own eye…” Selfishness is key to survival and often a key to knowledge; this is self-evident. As Socrates said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” A self-first mentality can be the most important of beliefs. However, it is this same natural instinct of survival that becomes a societies built-in self-destruct mechanism. If this doesn’t make sense, just consider the recent economic debacles we have suffered through because of nonsensical risk and self-first policies. Selfishness was the progenitor of this mess. Alan Greenspan believed that the heads of banks would look after their investors more so than themselves. In essence, he believed that they would act on the behalf of the many and become self-regulating. How ideal and stupid at the same time.

Selfishness unchecked over-stimulates the risk side of the desired reward equation. Call it a midlife crisis. It doesn’t matter. Eventually, our unchecked selfishness leads to that moment where we naively ask, “how did I get here.” The answer – by choice.

So, what to do?

Hypothesis: I want more and in wanting more I rationalize my need for more by conveniently misremembering or failing to assign value to what I have.

There is a simple test. It’s Christmas time. Write me a list of everything you received last year and who it was that gave you each gift. Tell me how it made you feel and what you did with each gift and what you said to this person when you received it. That’s right. You can’t. Although, you will remember a few gifts…the ones that really meant something to you because you assigned it value.

I spend little time considering what I have and what I have been given, and who it was that provided these things, to enable my justification for acquiring more. “That shirt doesn’t fit very well, I should grab another one. We don’t have any food I like; I should grab something I will eat. I work hard so I deserve this new flat screen tv. She’s being mean to me, it’s okay if I cheat this once. I only want what my neighbor has, nothing more. If I get one more promotion, then I’ll be happy. An extra room where we can store all of the stuff we never use would be very useful. We haven’t spent that much money this year on vacation, we can afford a little bit more. That’s why we have welfare and soup kitchens; this bum on the side of the street doesn’t need my money. Nice guys finish last; I’m taking the last one.“

All together now: we consciously or subconsciously decide not to remember what we have or where we came from to justify our selfish desire to acquire more, which is all proof of our dire ungratefulness.

Does that make sense? It’s hard to fathom a world of grateful human beings. People that spend time considering each thing they earn or are given; people that acquire stuff out of need, instead of acquiring more debt in a vacuous quest to vanquish the infinite desire for more. You can’t cut selfishness out of your body. It is a part of your genetic code. Learn. You can understand your selfishness. You can decide to remember. You can spend time thanking and remembering, instead of searching and buying.

Remember. Write it down. Read your list each day. Thank those people, thank that God, or thank that world or those seemingly random events that brought you to this point. Make it a habit. I promise, the more you do this, the less you will feel like you need to have or acquire to be happy.

Being grateful is not about fulfilling some “become a better person” roadmap. Instead, being grateful is the key to satisfaction and happiness. Without it, no amount of money, prestige, awards, religiosity, or power will ever suffice.

Now if I could only get an iPhone, I'd be so happy...

The unexpected is something that can brighten even my most sour moods. It makes my eyes smile. Genuine happiness. One such moment of this past week is worthy of sharing.

Trick of Treat…what?

Our daughter Zoe is a very happy child. She gallops, literally, around the house. She makes funny noises hoping to get a laugh or two from her dazed parents. Of course, I encourage her giggling; the absurd can be quite absurd. Zoe’s smile is so incredible and incredibly contagious. As Teri has learned, it’s hard not to laugh when you are mere inches away from that smiling face. During our sober walk through the neighborhood this Halloween, Zoe strutted in her horse costume far ahead of her siblings, placing herself in front of each door. And, out of the blue, a few doors later, as one neighbor grabbed a bag of candy, Zoe blurted out, “Trick of treat, poo poo head,” followed by a burst of giggling, “poo poo head, trick or treat”.

Trick of treat, poo poo head. Such statements lead us quickly into that “mortifunny” state that afflicts parents like us. Reminiscent of four year old Taylor’s “ah, my snowman melted, damn it” one late November afternoon four years ago, no amount of “now Zoe, that’s not appropriate” got through to her that evening, and that was before she ate any of that candy.

Trick or treat poo poo head. See, there’s my problem, it’s pretty damn funny.

Oh, Teri reminded me of one more Zoe moment last week. Here is the short conversation as recorded by my lovely wife... "Love is not meat, mom", said Zoe. "What?", said mom, who then looks around the room at the table where Zoe is stealing her sister's meat..."and Love is not stealing your sisters meat (off her lunch)", said mom. "That's stupid!!" said Zoe and she stomped off.

It’s a challenge I give myself every Sunday. And now that I’ve been teaching for almost five years in this same calling, I no longer doubt its importance. I apply the same fighting of assumptions and the same contrarian attitude to my lesson preparation. It’s less about cutting out quotes, and more about waiting for the lesson to reveal itself. It sounds weird, but it works. Two Sunday’s ago, in this same fashion, I came to the following conclusion: living a little bit more like sand would help us all.

If you haven't heard the story about the man that built his house upon the sand, then I can't help you. Sand, I went on to say to the class, has been greatly mis-represented in this one story, leading us all towards a heavy reliance on the physical concept of rock. Of course, not an actual rock, but on the physical characteristics of rock: solid, firm foundation, reliable, confident, immobile, weathered, etc. However, we tend to forget it's somewhat negative characteristics: immobile, hard-headed, stuck, rough, sharp, disdainful, oppressive, egotistical. As is typical, rock has a hard time understanding that it has negative characteristics...because well, it's rock.

Sand, while it can be blown to and fro by the smallest of winds, and it is unattached and selfish in it's bearing attaching itself at a mere whim to other sand around it, only to leave it's fresh companions to other greater/lesser pursuits simply because it can, sand has some fantastic characteristics. Sand can morph. One day it can be a sand castle and the next it can be a hand-print...or a footprint. Sand is easy going, eager to please, open to new ideas and new places. Sand can be pounded without shattering. It can be twisted and turned without damaging it's neighbors. While rough at times, it can with little effort become transparent and beautiful.

Although, Sand presents fear. Rock is something that can be understood, located, stamped, and cataloged. Sand can be elusive (ever tried to find that piece of sand that made it's way up your bathing suit?), gritty, uncomfortable, and it can shift with surprising speed which can be disconcerting. Sand is an unknown that frightens Rock, especially as Rock perceives the Sand's tendency to forcibly weather it, to smooth it's edges, and in essence to change it's shape, without its consent.

So what then?

If you are a bit too much Rock these days, let yourself be moved, let yourself experience new things, let yourself let go of the obsessive control you believe is necessary to remain on your designated path. If you are a bit too much Sand these days, commit to an idea, commit to real changes in your life, test a principle.

And remember, every life needs a sandbox.

Admittedly, I'm the type of person that gets intense personal satisfaction from proving skeptics wrong. A perfect example has to do with spanking children. Every person I told that I wouldn't be spanking my kids gave me this big smile and a big we'll see how long that lasts look (or sternly warned, 'you have to be a parent not a friend'...idiots). It's that supposed wisdom that raises the hairs on my neck and has been a part of my strong dis-taste for authoritarian (e.g. Alphas) figures throughout my life.

So, after reading some headlines about some recent pop culture experiments in marriage, it got me thinking: I wonder if I can find someone that disagrees with this idea...come on now, tell me I can't do it. :)

Is my daily happiness a factor of doing what others think can't be done? This would explain a lot about my desire to surprise instead of simply fulfilling the status quo (remember those ten dozen roses in Vegas Teri, and all of those sweetest/valentines/other lame holidays without a single flower?). A monkey can repeat a task over an over again. But to seek out why the task is being done and how to do it better, to thirst for new challenges and knowledge, to scale new heights in one's personal development, that's something unique, that's something to live for. Complacency (a form of wickedness in my book of life) never was happiness.

If you haven't tried Google Reader, and you want a never ending supply of updated news, try it out; it appears to be an excellent source for our search for happiness. Here are some recent finds such as longer life for some short people. Hey Babe, you might have a longer time to search for happiness, doesn't that make you happy?

Check this one out - All I can say is what the fat? I'm happy for this article, because I have a hard time getting people to believe me, even after they have read the hundred plus pages of my book. I'm happy that individuals are studying the cold, fat facts. Although, I wouldn't mind getting published before these damn articles I read about my Fatties make my conclusions less pertinent. Fatties out there, I feel your love handles.

And how about this - I would imagine I know some girls that would disagree with this article.

Compared with sexually harassed workers, employees on the receiving end of raging-boss behaviors and other forms of workplace aggression reported lower overall well-being, less job satisfaction and less satisfaction with their bosses; they were also more likely to quit their jobs.

While some might point to this as another sign of the emasculation of American culture, I'm pleased with the recognition that the workplace should no longer be a haven for the Alpha-holes among us.

As a parent that once proclaimed to all that would listen, that he was going to attempt to raise responsible, well-adjusted kids without using physically, initimidating punishments such as spanking, this article/study is priceless.

The analysis of four studies by Murray Straus, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire-Durham, suggests that children whose parents spanked, slapped, hit or threw objects at them may have a greater chance of physically or verbally coercing a sexual partner, engaging in risky sexual behavior or engaging in masochistic sex, including sexual arousal by spanking.

Wow. Heh. I bet no one thought this could be true. It's fun to watch people get so upset when the use of spanking is assailed. "I was spanked and I learned real quick, not like these kids today that don't respect their parents" Blah. Blah. Blah. I've always felt spanking, unless it was a matter of life and death, was a weak, selfish means of achieving instant compliance. However, I didn't imagine that making the choice not to use spanking, slapping, or hitting, may lessen the chance that my children would have sexual problems.

Straus found that those who had experienced corporal punishment had increased probability of coercing sex, risky sex or masochistic sex.

Then, are children that have experienced corporal punishment, more likely to associate Happiness with aggressive, dominating actions? Is the way we think of Happiness a factor of choices made by our parents, and their parents and their parents?

I guess it isn't odd to consider that our parenting decisions will affect the quality, quantity, and type of Happiness that our children seek out. I'm glad I didn't give in to the natural urges that Man feels that leads to corporal punishment. I'm pleased that I have been firm in my desire to treat my children as I would have them treat me, and everyone else they meet. When I see the bullies around our neighborhood, and listen and watch the way my son acts and speaks, I'm tickled that all of the skeptics (parents, friends, and other family) have been wrong.

I made it Doug!

Teri said something the other day that is quite profound, something that went like this: Matt and I don’t like each other much these last few weeks, but we’ve never stopped loving each other. As I contemplate Happiness and our society’s obsession with creating a day of relationships celebration, I’ve discovered that as I look for the happy things in life, I'm doing just fine. I’ve tried to explain to myself what I’m looking for these last weeks, and I think Teri just gave my search new meaning.

Let me explain:

It's not about learning to love my life or the finding of happiness being an end. Simply, I want to like my life a little more from day to day...it's cliche-ish: find the silver lining, improving my quality of life, making the best of it, living in the moment, smelling the roses...ugh. I feel like the last man in a marathon, attempting to sip the final drops of water from the smashed paper cups littering the asphalt.

I guess I'm searching for the day to day things that put me out of sync with what I know is real. Take the Atkins diet. I know it changes how I think about my life day to day. It affects how much I like my life. It makes abnormal out of normal. My weight does the same. My need to be right. A surprise love note on my car seat at 6am does too. Happiness and sadness will come and go. Big things will happen. But it's life in between those moment, life in the cracks that means the most to me, and making those small, forgotten moments happy ones seems very possible to me. It's funny, when you think about it, you are reading straight from a crack in my life.

Is dieting something happy people do? I read this study done in 1996, by David Lykken and Auke Tellegen, from the University of Minnesota Psychology department on Happiness. They came to a somewhat perplexing conclusion:

If the transitory variations of well-being are largely due to fortune's favors, whereas the midpoint of these variations is determined by the great genetic lottery that occurs at conception, then we are led to conclude that individual differences in human happiness - how one feels at the moment and also how one feels on average over time - are primarily a matter of chance.

This was another key summary of their study:

Myers and Diener suggested that people who enjoy close personal relationships, who become absorbed in their work, and who set themselves achievable goals and move toward them with determination are happier on the whole than people who do not. We agree, but we question the direction of the causal arrow. We know that when people with bipolar mood disored are depressed, they tend to avoid intimate encounters or new experiences and tend to brood upon depressing thoughts rather than concentrating on their work. Then, when their moods swings toward elation, these same people tend to do the things that happy people do. This is undoubtedly a James-Lange feedback effect: Dysfunctional behavior exacerbates depression, whereas the things happy people do enhance their happiness. We argue, however, that the impetus is greater from mood to behavior than in the reverse direction. It may be that trying to be happier is as futile as trying to be taller and therefore is counterproductive.

A happy mood leads to behaviors that encourage a continued sense of elation? It makes a sick kind of sense. When I'm in a good mood, I start dieting and begin to lose weight, and I will choose healthier foods and activities (like working out, or getting in contact with a friend). Whereas, when I'm in a negative mood, I insist on not dieting and tend to gain weight, and I will choose more unhealthy food and unhealthy activities (like watching t.v. all day). Mood affects and feeds behaviors, which then support the mood.

So, has anything been solved? How does the switch happen? Is it just a cycle, partially based in genetics? I'm happy, making good choices. Then something happens. I become upset, negative, and begin making poor choices. Then something happens. I become happy, and make more good choices. Is there a way to avoid the switch? Is there a way to minimize the depression?

It's interesting, we fat people try to "switch" by overwhelming the negative mood with food, which interestingly enough provides some elation...but then leads to more negative behavior. Hmm! This would "seem" to support our initial hypothesis that carbs lead to a false sense of elation...elation, but an elation that tricks us into a false sense of happiness.

Okay - now that I'm back at the beginning...

Coma: it is an accurate description. I can remember when it happened, but I can't remember much of the last ten days while I fed my body an steady diet of sweet, simple carbs. It happens, and then I'm back where I started. It's like Chutes and Ladders and that slide down the ladder is a bitch. It all begins with the decision to put something before physical well being. But, I can say, I wasn't as non-emotional as I had been while I pursued a low carb diet. The connection seems like it must be a product of my mind. However, I read this the other day which made me wonder if our journey for happiness without carbs, really is a difficult one. Here's a quote from the webpage:

"The MIT researchers found that the brain only seemed to make serotonin after a person ate carbohydrates.[199] By starving the brain of this essential mood elevator, the researchers fear that the Atkins Diet may make people restless, irritable or depressed. They noted that women, people under stress, and those taking anti-depressants might be most at risk.[200]"

Now, scientific research that comes to a conclusion that states "seems to make", is suspect to me to make any conclusive arguments. Although, from my personal experience, I would say my mood seems to support the conclusion that serotonin levels are affected by Carbohydrates. However, as the research states, "seems" is the operative word. I know that my sertotonin levels also seem to be affected by how I perceive myself. In other words, I have been on the Atkins diet and lost lots of weight, and felt quite wonderful. I agree it isn't wise to simply load up on fats, nor to stay on Atkins for a prolonged period of time. However, a half gallon of ice cream, no matter what other food you are eating, is not good for you.

So, it's back to eating better, keeping my carb intake and calorie intake low, along with exercising...how depressing. :)

It's every Fattie's dream (as the resident Fattie on this blog I can use the word Fattie), food equals better sex! I chuckled a bit at first as I read this article, and then I started to wonder: can it be that while attempting to be good about the Atkins diet, I'm unknowingly depriving my body of the foods that tend to improve my "mood"?

Let's see what the recommendations are in this article. A short warning, if you don't like to read the word orgasm or lubrication, I recommend skipping the following:

Warning: "Without an adequate amount of it (Nitric Oxide), guys can’t get erections and women can’t become engorged and lubricated".

Recommendation: "Bags of almonds and walnuts into your cart, then cast your eyes toward the seafood counter for salmon, cod and halibut."

Warning:“They (Antioxidants) keep your plumbing clean and your cells healthy by mopping up free radicals, molecules that wreak havoc on the body in a process called oxidation,”

Recommendation: "Her advice is to load up on antioxidant-rich produce in all colors of the rainbow, including tomatoes, red peppers, garlic, spinach, broccoli, beets, berries and red grapes. Another good source is dark chocolate."

These and other advice can be found in Great Food, Great Sex. The point of the book, which I haven't read, appears simple: if your body is healthy, you will have a greater chance of feeling fulfilled and pleased with the way you are and the way you live and you will want to share that with other people. And food can help that process or hinder it, depending on our choices. So food can equal happiness and sadness. But what to do now? It would appear that increasing my Nitric Oxide rich intake through fish on Atkins, would be an appropriate way to implement some of these recommendations, along with more red peppers and spinach...spinach, as a function of great food for great sex...Popeye anyone?

Although, this idea of tying food to sex to happiness is a good one. Anything that makes us less inclined to want to share our lives and ourselves with each other, is something that can take away happiness. I'm surprised they haven't written Bad Food, Bad Sex: the Guide to Losing Happiness One Carb Coma at a Time.